Health

Bursack: Respect widowed dad’s introverted personality

Reporter · Saturday, November 14, 2026 at 4:15 PM · 4 min read

Bursack: Respect widowed dad’s introverted personality — Hillsboro Health news

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The Details

How do we deal with stubborn, obstinate older parents who won’t listen to common sense? My mother died a little over a year ago, and Dad hasn’t been the same since. He still lives in the home they shared, and I want him to move to a nice independent living place. He’s in good shape for 76, but I don’t see that lasting if he doesn’t get out more.

I recognize that he has an introverted personality, while I take after Mom, who was extroverted and provided their social life. Maybe I’m trying to take over for Mom, but I’m truly worried about him. He acknowledges that he misses Mom, but he says he’s content with his books, his woodworking, an active online hobby group and seeing a couple of old friends who stop by.

How can I get through to him that he needs more activity and variety in his life, to say nothing about a safer environment? – MF Dear MF:

I believe that you mean well and you have a point. Withdrawing too much from the outside world due to ill health, general aging, or after losing a life partner doesn’t bode well for healthy aging.

Still, different people have different needs. When caregivers, whether spousal, adult children, or professionals, rely on general advice, or even more common, view things only from their own perspective, they are bound to run into opposition.

From that point, the person whose life they are trying to “improve,” will either dig in and resist, or else acquiesce with resentment and slide further downhill.

Understand that I’m not saying that introverted people shouldn’t be given chances to socialize, and in some cases, even encouraged to get out more.

However, as an introverted person who was badgered from childhood to put down my books and go outside, I instinctively recoil when I see too much pressure on older adults to socialize regardless of their personality. Yes, I realize this is about me, so I recognize my hypocrisy (smile). Your dad hasn’t really shut himself off; he just prefers a quieter, more low-key life than you envision for him.

What can you do? Examine your thought process. I admire your insight in that you recognize that you might be trying to step into your mom’s shoes. It’s entirely possible that your dad did more socializing than he was comfortable with just to please your mom.

Now, as much as he loved her and misses her, he can indulge in his hobbies, enjoy a quieter life and relish his close friendships without the noise of a lot of extraneous outside activity.

I’m not advocating that he never be gently pushed out of his comfort zone. Include him in meaningful activities; offer to pick him up for extended family get-togethers. In other words, find a middle ground. Respect his personality and his choices while encouraging him to stay active in the outside world.

You are wonderful, MF! Thank you for stepping up to care for your dad.